Friday, 20 July 2012

The day started as usual, got up at 2.30 pm eventually, only when I was starving. I had seen 'the secret' movie last night and thought it will be a good idea to show it to my mom and sisters so did that and they readily agreed. As expected my mom was the most positive and wants me to to give out its 'CDs to a lot of people we know who are negative in life. My eldest sister who is expecting, was happy as as well and said she will always try to remain positive and make a vision board as shown. The youngest sister was sceptical but positive and liked the idea. Though she said after an hour that she thought its been two hours she had been watching it. Generally, my mom sees me opening schools of a new order based on my thinking and disdain for the current system. I actually despise it and think its a plant to make creatures for the rat race and injures the human brain at an young age.

After a good dinner and hours of family drama on tv, I experienced an extreme mood swing and wondered about its origins. Uncertainity about I want to do, a job or start a business. Or I need to join work from Monday and dont know the future or just having too many ideas and not knowing what to do with them now?? This led to going to my best friend these days, thats wikipedia and search for bi-polar issues.  I know a person I know personally who experiences this is and the thought crossed my mind, if I am also one. With no focus or desire or motivation or interest to read and after losing another game of chess with my mac, I decided to watch 'limitless'. A friend was talking highly of it and from whatever I had heard from her, it sounded of my interest. 'A person takes a pill and becomes super human'.

So, the movie was great, not as good as matrix but still one of the better ones I have seen. Since the movie finished on an open end, I was curious and wanted to check if the second part has come out. Went online and realized it hasnt and this one was released on march, 11. This search led me again to wikipedia and I read the entire page on 'intellectual giftedness'. What happened after that is quite remarkable coz just two hours back I had no capacity, interest or focus to read anything and here I was reading line by line of a relatively heavy subject. It took me back in my entire life and I had flashes of how my characteristics have been similar to gifted people since the time I remember. Because of my negative experiences due to being 'intellectually special' in school from my class-mates, it seemed to me that in order to get socially acceptable and popular, I have been hiding and not been myself for the last 7 years. There have been moments that I have experienced heigtened levels of awareness and those wow moments when the frequency of thought bubbles are high but mostly not. I have just adapted socially and been a normal high performer in most of the things.

I realize today that I need to accept myself in totality, dont get scared of my potential and face the reality. Running away is no longer an option. I realize that all the answers lie inside me and I need to continue to reflect to know my answers. It seems that my calling is taking a shape. Doing something in terms of transforming the education system by opening schools, seems certain and this will take care of how children can be influenced at an early age to reach their highest potential and make a positive change. For the young and other people, a business entity for helping people create hosting spaces seems certain as well. The main thing I am concerned with is the network of people I need to involve in the implementation and how do I identify them. I have known that I have an extremist behaviour but i have a feeling that I am actually an introvert. I can so easily do without friends for a relatively long time, that it surprises me. But the challenge comes from the same. I need to connect to and share ideas with people outside myself. Even though I have felt the need to have more consistent friends and social circles for the last 7 years, I have not been successful. I need to hold on to the few I have right now and some of them will hopefully join me in taking my ideas forward. Doing it alone is not possible and foolishness.

At the end of the day today, its very weird how my state of my mind goes from one extreme and mood to the other and I do not understand what factors make this happen in a span of just 8-12 hours. I cant imagine I have watched a movie, read about intellectual giftedness and related areas and written this blog after being so disinterested in doing anything about 4 hours back. I live to know my answers.

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